My 2017 Fall Obsessions

Remember the good ol’ days when you could drink a beer, then a bourbon, then a fruity drink, then a couple of jello shots followed by some 2 a.m. Taco Bell and NOT feel the overwhelming fear that your body had been poisoned and you would surely be at death’s door for the next 48 hours? 20s sucked but man were our livers impressive. Nowadays, I can’t even drink a beer without asking for a sister water. My body is DONE. Alcohol is my sworn enemy and I ain’t drinkin’ shit unless it is clear, distilled, and smells like vodka. Vodka is the only liquor I still semi-trust, and if you’ve seen me after 3 vodkas, you know that ain’t sayin’ much.

Bitch you heard me. I need more adorable meats and cheeses in my life. If I can’t eat it with my fingers, I don’t want it. It’s dead to me. But let’s get more specific, allow me to paint a picture for you: The perfect homemade sample platter, in my opinion, contains no vegetables. (None! Maybe a carrot if it behaves itself.) Start off by plating some cheese and crackers—oh god this is exciting—and then add a little dabble of hummus on the side. Maybe a few pita chips—MMHM DON’T STOP—and I really like to roll my deli meats into little cigarette shapes so I can enjoy a giggle while smoking them before I eat them. Hey hey hey, we ain’t done—gotta throw some grapes on that shit. Oooooo yeah, keep the stem on. God you’re so classy. We should mate.

Is it just me or is McSweeney’s KILLING it this year? Specifically McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, which if you don’t know is an AWESOME internet stop for daily humor and fantastic writing. I think what I like most about McSweeney’s is its range—from low brow to high, amateur writers to professionals, McSweeney’s doesn’t care. They just wanna make you smile. Here’s some of my favorites from the last couple months.

I’m Diana from Anne of Green Gables and I Am Fucking Drunk

Everything You Know About Me, the Female Character You’re Falling in Love with in a Romantic Film/TV Show Written by a Man

Why Feminist Manuscripts Aren’t Getting Published Today

I’m a Male Author Photo, Hear Me Brood

No need for words; I’ve got pics.

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Honorable Mention
John Travolta marathons, creamy cheese, no necklace, Maggie Gyllenhaal, charcoal drawings, YogaTX on YouTube, gray nail polish, scarves, Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex, crepes, a la carte orders, propagation, and pruning (both literally and figuratively).